How comfortable are You within the everyday Dance of Boundaries?

I live in an area renown for independent and free thought.

As our journey with COVID19 has evolved, my social media feeds have become a cacophony of opinion.  From thoughtful reflections to fevered pitches, people are sharing thoughts and information across a vast terrain of subjects - personal health choices, the governmental response, and even the broader socio-political agenda.

Within this enforced suspension of our everyday momentum, many of us have been gifted an opportunity to catch our breath;

To take stock.  

We have been gifted an opportunity to ponder the direction in which we are headed, both individually and collectively. And with it, a chance to reorientate ourselves towards a more authentic expression of self.

 
It’s no wonder that many of us are seeing this as an invaluable moment in time to share information, to engage in critical thought and to speak our heart’s truth.

Surveying the diverse spectrum of voices, I’ve been reflecting on how comfortable I am with meeting the differences in another’s values.

How can I respect another’s truth, even if it is contradictory to my own?

How can I honour the importance of another’s values, whilst remaining seated in mine?

These questions, I believe, are an exploration of the dance of boundaries.

Boundaries and the Lungs

In Traditional Chinese Medicine, the Lungs govern our skin -  the organ which forms our physical boundary.

Metaphysically, Lung energy also supports our ability to instate and uphold boundaries with those around us.

Most obviously, our boundaries allow us to determine what we personally deem acceptable, or unacceptable.

They form our ability to perceive our own inner ‘yes’ or ‘no’ - to situations, behaviours or people - and to communicate this effectively.  

But our boundaries also extend into the more subtler interplay of relating.

They enable us to be in presence with someone, without losing our sense of selfhood. 

They enable us to understand and empathise with the emotional experience of another, without feeling unduly responsible or overcome by their emotions.
When we deeply care for someone, or are reliant on their sense of equilibrium to maintain our own, this is an extremely challenging practice. 


Our boundaries also reflect how comfortable we are with experiencing a sense of individuation;
in feeling ‘different’ to others. 

It takes great courage to proclaim or live the truth of our differences.

To do so risks the pain of separation;
and in some instances, alienation.


Equally, our boundaries reflect how comfortable we are with encountering the differences in others.

How often do we feel the need to make another’s truth ‘wrong’, in order to feel reassured of the validity of our own?
 
I know this is something that I find myself instinctively seeking to do, when I’m feeling hurt or estranged by the choices of another.

Particularly in the West, we have been cultured into perceiving life through a binary lens - right/wrong, true/false, fact/fiction.  Labels such as this fulfil a great many purposes, but they also fail to acknowledge the infinite complexity of the world that we live in.  

As convinced as we may be of something, are we ever truly able to perceive it, in its totality? 

I believe this what makes our unique personal truth so sacred, and our practice of boundaries so integral.

What does it mean to respect the boundaries of another? 

Our boundaries are greatly informed by own inherent values. 

Whether it be our family; our health; our wealth; our spiritual beliefs; our education or career; our community or our environmental conscience – what we value we will strive to protect and uphold.

To place the worth of our own values above those of someone else, is not only divisive, it is also often futile. When we attempt to persuade, argue with, or preach to others about the value of something that isn’t of inherent worth to them, it is rarely going to change their mind.

Whilst we are often compelled to judge another’s indifference to our cause, as sign of ignorance, negligence, or even a disregard for our very selves,

how often is it simply that their care and knowledge extend to something totally different?  

How often is it because their care for us is extended in a different form? 

Understanding boundaries as an expression of personal safety

Throughout our journey with the current pandemic, we have been able to witness how much our individual boundaries are also informed by our personal definition of safety.

Some of us have felt the need to wear masks and gloves;
Others have felt it unnecessary.

Some of us have embraced the protocol of isolation; 
Others have felt it excessive, or even oppressive. 

Some welcome the idea of a vaccine; 
Others are already standing firmly in their ‘No’.

Safety looks differently to you, as it does it me.

Yes, our sense of safety can be moulded by the information that we have access to, and our broader social conditioning.

But it is also greatly defined by the imprints that life has made upon us, particularly those left by trauma.

Our sense of safety is influenced by privilege; such as is afforded by race, class, age, health and wealth.

We all have a right to define what safety looks and feels like to us.  

We don’t need to understand or agree with someone else’s idea of safety, in order to respect or seek to find continued acceptance of it. 

If the boundaries of another are not in direct opposition to our own, there are often many ways that we can demonstrate our respect or support, without needing to err from our own needs.

Even the simple act of using hand sanitiser at the supermarket, can become a gesture of honouring what many among us need in order to feel safer in these times.

What does the healthy expression of boundaries look like?

Like the movement of our breath, the healthy expression of boundaries is a dynamic act of expansion and contraction.

 Our boundaries will move with the unique capacity that we each bring to any given moment.  We will find ourselves able to accommodate for more or less, depending on the demands of each day, or season of life that we find ourselves within.

 Tuning into our own innate guidance, we come to better know where this threshold lies; and how to communicate it with greater grace, ease and power.

We will know when we need to expand to receive the medicine of another’s truth, and when to hold tightly to the clarity of our own.

We will know when it is necessary to employ fierce advocacy; and equally, to recognise when we are doing no more than denigrating or judging another’s differences.

We will come to understand that we can’t erect an iron curtain to block out others, or their differences in ideology and belief. 

Nor can we exhaust and disorientate ourselves trying to constantly accommodate the needs and perspectives of others. 

A healthy expression of Lung energy will support us to return, again and again, to stand in our own congruence.

Just as our Lungs provide an interface between our body and the outer world - 
breathing in the surrounding air,
taking from it what we need and expiring that which we don’t –

Lung medicine will support us to uphold our own personal integrity in the midst of diversity,
as we inhale the fullness of life ;
retaining what is of personal value to us and exhaling that which is not in service of our own unique calling.

May we continue to seek ways to live within the diversity that surrounds us.

May we each strive to contribute to a culture wherein we all feel safe to uphold and protect that which is most precious to us.